Thursday, March 11
8pm @ The Ace of Clubs
(9 Great Jones St.)
Tickets $10

We’re producing this as part of EndTimes Productions Atomic Café, A monthly showcase of comedy, music and new work that I’ll be hosting every month at the Ace of Clubs.

This month, our lineup includes stand-up comedy by my good friends Doug Smith, Matt Wayne and George Gordon, as well as a performance by EndTimes’ own resident improv group FIT.

Also, Stephen King, if you (or your lawyers) are reading this (and how could you not be?) I’d like to thank you for not suing me (yet), offer you a complimentary ticket to the show (no guests please), and again suggest the vague possibility that we might be distantly related (my dad worked in New England for a summer…heyo!). It should go without saying that I am a great admirer of your work, which is why I thank you for allowing me to cannibalize your creations, and have included this picture of what I can only assume is you breathing magical life into a book, granting it the ability to sell one kabillion copies.

I’ve recently started a bi-weekly column for a new online publication called Tire Swing Press. The idea is that I write reviews of things that under no circumstances should ever be reviewed. The second post came out today, and I’ll be cranking them out every other tuesday until I run out of things to complain about (unlikely to ever happen). Check them out, and see why I’m like a young E-ndy Rooney!

‘Cause it’s an angry rant? But online? Get it?

I’m sorry.

Jamie King Reviews Turns of Phase: Inspirational Sayings

Jamie King Reviews Personality Traits: Self-Consciousness

Catch ‘em this month!

The producers of Tales from the Crypt team up with the creative minds behind The Jersey Shore to present Tales from the Shore, an innovative combination of Reality TV andSerialized Horror.

See how much more satisfying the debaucherous antics of a group of attractive 20-somethings can become when you incorporate the certainty of impending death! Scenes of hook-ups, make-outs, break-ups and freak-outs are inter-cut with shots of a mysterious figure greasing a bear trap and cleaning blood off of rusty tools. You’ll know where this is going…and you’ll love every minute of it!

In the wake of the record ratings produced by recent late night drama, NBC and CBS will both broadcast a limited run of The Late Night Tonight Show with Cojay O’Bretterman!Watch as three fine comedians must share a network, a time slot, a stage and a bottle of mood elevators as studio executives use slander, scandal and good old fashioned bad planning to turn former colleagues into bitter rivals! Who will come out on top? The viewers, that’s who!

America’s Next Top American combines two classic reality show concepts: ordinary Americans showcasing their spectacular talents, and celebrities doing nothing. For the first time, Bravo presents a show dedicated to ordinary Americans doing nothing! Who has what it takes to be the next tabloid sensation despite a complete lack of any accomplishments? Who can take our country by storm without the assistance of any talent whatsoever? Competitors must face challenges like the sex tape hustle, the pointless feud,and the unnecessary plastic surgery. Americans vote by number of Google hits to decide who is a train wreck and who is train wrecktacular!

High-end meets low-brow as the most watched comedy in America teams up with the most acclaimed drama on television to create Two and a Half Mad Men! It’s sometime between 1963 and right now.

Don Draper is juggling a thriving career in advertising, his relationship with his repressed wife and a fascinating double-life when his loser brother Alan and his smart-mouthed nephew move in to stay! It’s the ultimate odd couple: Don is a womanizer; Alan is the quintessential nice guy! Alan has allergies; Don smokes three packs a day! Don communicates primarily through meaningful looks; Alan seems incapable of anything but one-liners! It’s tense silences and canned laughter five nights a week!

Combining the heartwarming sentimentality of How I Met Your Mother with the gripping real-life drama of America’s Most Wanted, FOX’s new show How I Became America’s Most Wanted follows the life stories of a convicted criminal as he nostalgically confesses them to his cellmate! Watch exciting re-enactments of his youthful exploits, always leaving you wondering…which crime put him at the top of the most wanted list? Which resulted inmultiple fatalities? And which would eventually lead to his capture? You’ll have to tune in to find out!

Cougar Minutes: Mike Wallace, Morley Safer, Steve Kroft, Lesley Stahl and Andy Rooneyare BACK ON THE DATING SCENE!

Shel Silverstein on Kanye West’s “The College Dropout”

It turns out that Jay Z’s producer
Is as cocky as a rooster
Dropping albums as an homage
To his dropping out of college
Rhymes are tight, Beats are brilliant
His career should be resilient
To the plagues of hip-hop fame
Like feuds with 50, or the Game
Or race-based presidential scolds
Or shutting down 19-year-olds.
I think he’ll play it safe; he sets his sights
On selling wax to whites.

Kurt Vonnegut on Sufjan Steven’s “Illinois”

Illinois is a state. It looks like this:

It is also an album by Sufjan Stevens. Sufjan Stevens is a singer and songwriter with a lot to say about Jesus. He told a bunch of people that he was going to make an album for each of the fifty states, which is a very silly thing to say. So far he has made two. This album uses a lot of bells and funny horns and sounds like winter. Listening to it is like sitting in church with mittens on. Mittens look like this:

Ernest Hemingway on Radiohead’s “Kid A”

I put the needle on and poured a drink and sat in the chair. The first song sounded mechanical. There was a keyboard and a voice but I wasn’t sure which was which and then there was another song that sounded like something you’d hear in a nursery and then a bass solo. The singer’s voice was high and the lyrics were about loneliness and the future. I turned the volume up and went to the window. It wasn’t rock and roll, but it was good.

William Shakespeare on Animal Collective’s “Merriweather Post Pavilion”

What boon is this?
Thy shim’ring cover doth contain
A wonderment of harmonies.
Why play guitar? Why drums?
Why verse or chorus?
Tis deconstructed Instruments
That speak unto my educated ear.
Tightened pants and faux hawk molded
Forth I go, beneath the speakers
Thank the stars this disc appeared
Their early stuff was way too weird

David Mamet on Death Cab for Cutie’s “Transatlanticism”

TWO MEN enter.

MAN 1

This album’s fucking great.

MAN 2

What?

MAN 1

I said it’s a fucking great album.

MAN 2

The guy’s voice sounds like a little kid.

MAN 1

What?

MAN 2

A fucking kid! But the lyrics are so…

MAN 1

Fucking deep, right?

MAN 2

Fucking deep, exactly.

MAN 1

Great fucking album.

MAN 2

Fuck you.

Stephenie Meyer on Jay Z’s “The Black Album”

“I’m retiring,” the rapper sed – in what seemed to be a sinceer tone. We believed the silver-tongued-giant, but his lilting-voice hinted at something more, deeper – a re-birth. He wore a tight, black baseball hat low over his eyes and a loose-fitting, fermly pressed suit. Flows came easily to him, boasting with brovado and swagger. 99 problems were what he had. From darkness, there was to come a response: One word: “Holla,” warbled high and clear in the air that was the air of the nightime.

Since I am quite obviously all about updating this blog, I’ve decided it’s time to start another one. In conjunction with my good friend Merredith Griffin I’ve launched a hot new entrepreneurial endeavor called ”Coprocinephilia,” which literally translates as “the love of shitty movies.”

In recent years I’ve discovered a deep love and abiding affection for objectively terrible films. While there is no shortage of bad movie appreciation blogs out there, ours is the first to ask why. Why do so many people love to see movies fail at every possible level? What makes one bad movie more satisfying then another? And if we can find a way to judge them, is it possible to find the perfect bad movie?

To that end we’ve developed a scoring system largely based on feces, reasoning that:

A) Pooping, like watching bad movies, feels good while inducing shame.

B) Poop is funny.

Check out the site here. Let us know what you think and don’t hesitate to send more movies recommendations our way. In the end, there can be only one.

Created by Jamie King and Sam Rosenberg
Directed by John Flynn
Book & Lyrics by Jamie King
Music by Jamie King and Sam Rosenberg

Staring:
Sam Rosenberg
Sarah Jane Marek
Kendra Treichler
Alessandro Colla
Bob Barth
Brianna Tyson
and Utkarsh Ambudkar as Dollawise the Evil Rapping Clown

Musicians:
Jamie King and Chris Montgomery

Things that are true:
The show runs 30 minutes.
It is appearing as the second of three UCB “Spank” Shows which means THE ACTUAL START TIME WILL BE CLOSER TO 6:30. But please come at 6PM if you can and support our co-workers in comedy.
Only $5 for all three shows.
Sometimes…dead is better.

Please check it out here.

A few clarifications:

1) I did “South Pacific” in 12th grade. My first show was “Rhumba Tia: The Rumpelstiltskin of the South Seas” (title roll). I changed it for believability.

2) I played bass in the gay punk band. But we did most definitely have a keytar player.

3) Tristan did not smell like Chex Mix. That was a cheap joke and I regret it. Tristan, if you’re reading this, I’m sorry. I think you’re a good guy and am sincerely impressed by your sailboat, wife, child and the success of your life in general. I hope this won’t be awkward at the reunion.

Other than that, everything is true.